My Paycheck Doesn't Cover This
by Everystep
Summary: Alcohol and theft do not go well together...as Izuru Kira is about to discover firsthand. Updated to clean up the original.


This is version 2 (and hopefully the last) of this happy little oneshot...I have replaced the old version with the new and improved one. Yay! Plot wise, everything is _exactly_ the same as the original. I just cleaned up some things here and there and hopefully it reads much better now.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

* * *

"Izuru, I think ya accidentally dropped some papers on m'desk."

"No, Captain," sighed third division vice-captain Izuru Kira. "Those are the forms you're supposed to fill out for the commander general." He inched the stack of papers closer to Gin Ichimaru, his captain, who frowned and tilted his head in mock confusion.

"I don't remember anythin' about forms for the commander general." Izuru rolled his eyes.

"Oh…well, they're right here when you decide to do them. Which has to be by the end of next week. Captain, instead of waiting until the last minute, why don't you just do them now? That way you won't have to worry about them!" he prompted eagerly. Gin slumped miserably in his chair.

"None of the other captains get this stuff done on time, y'know," he replied, crossing his arms, as if to challenge his vice-captain. He smiled, waiting for a response, already knowing he had no intention of doing any paperwork that day (or tomorrow…or the next day…), but he couldn't resist the chance to toy with his favorite subordinate.

"That's not true, Captain. Renji says that Captain Kuchiki gets all his paperwork done months in advance," Izuru replied. "And Rangiku-san says that Captain Hitsugaya-"

"Lemme rephrase that. _Normal_ captains don't ever make the deadlines," Gin said, standing up in his chair and brushing off his haori. "Besides, why're you talkin' to other vice-captains about this stuff? Don'tcha have other things ta talk about? Or do ya just like talkin' behind my back?" he asked, filing the forms away in a drawer. "Y'know, I could have you switched to sixth division if ya care that much about the papers…"

"N-no!" cried Izuru, bowing. "Sir, it's an honor to serve under you! I hope you don't think I'm ungrateful for-"

"Now now, Izuru, I'm jus' teasin' ya," Gin chuckled, patting his nervous vice-captain on the head. "You sure get worked up over this stuff," he muttered, shuffling through his belongings. "Now, where did I put…"

"Captain, where are you…are you going somewhere?" Izuru peered up to see Gin heading towards the door.

"Sorry, Izuru, I have a captain's meetin'. Next time," he said with a small wave. "Go do somethin' fun while I'm gone."

"Yes, sir," Izuru mumbled to the back of Gin's head. Suddenly, he heard something tapping on the window. "What in the world…" he turned around to see two other vice-captains, Renji Abarai and Shuuhei Hisagi, smiling and waving him over. "…Renji? Shuuhei?" Izuru ran outside to greet them.

"Yo," grinned Renji, glancing nervously over his shoulder. "Is your captain gone? We have something to show you," he snickered guiltily. Izuru's eyes widened in fear.

"Renji," he whispered, "how much sake have you had? Shuuhei, how much sake has he had?" he asked, frantically turning toward his friend.

"It's all right! Rangiku-san invited us over for lunch and we got this great idea…come on, Izuru, get inside!" demanded Shuuhei, shoving Izuru back into third division headquarters.

"Rangiku-san invited us over…" Izuru mumbled unhappily. This never led to anything good, as he knew all too well. Shuuhei shut all the doors and windows and motioned for Izuru to come closer. Renji reached into his robes and pulled out what looked to be a zanpakuto.

"Renji! You can't have that in here! We're not allowed to carry our zanpakuto with us…what are you thinking? Do you want to get fired?" whispered Izuru, horrified. He quickly grabbed it out of Renji's hands. "Look, we all do stupid things when we're drunk but this is really…I mean what exactly are you intending to do with this?" he asked, dreading the answer.

"Relax. You've always been too high strung, Izuru," said Renji. "This isn't even my zanpakuto."

"Not your…than whose is it? Shuuhei's?" Izuru asked, swirling around to face Hisagi, who put up his hands in defense.

"Not mine," he said.

"Than whose…" Izuru peered down at the sword. It was masterfully crafted, more so than any zanpakuto he had ever seen. The only one that even came close was Shinsou, which belonged to Gin. That was the only zanpakuto belonging to a captain Izuru had ever seen up close, but this one was nicer than Shinsou, which could only mean one thing. Izuru froze.

"You…you didn't…this isn't…you took this from a _captain_?" Renji and Shuuhei grinned at him, their smiles nearly bursting with delight.

"We're gonna hide it in Ohmaeda's room…that idiot," Renji snickered. "That's what he gets for sitting on my glasses."

"Renji…Shuuhei…whose zanpakuto is this?" Izuru asked again, his mind racing. He examined the sword more closely, looking for any sort of clue as to who its owner might be. Izuru delicately traced the hilt with his fingertip; there seemed to be some sort of pattern dancing around the blade. He frowned, his eyebrows scrunched together in intense concentration. "Is this a leaf?" he whispered. "No…but some sort of plant…oh…oh _no_," Izuru gasped. He felt all of the blood drain from his face and hands as he placed the zanpakuto gingerly on Gin's desk, backing away slowly.

"What's wrong, Izuru? You look awful," Shuuhei asked. Izuru stared at them both, his voice shaking with disbelief.

"You stole Senbonzakura?" he croaked, whirling around. His breathing grew shallow and uneven. "Oh my god…we are going to die. We are all going to die," he said, stumbling backwards and bumping into the desk, causing a mug of pens to tip over onto Senbonzakura. "CRAP!" he yelled. "Oh god, is it going to…you know…?"

"Scatter?" suggested Renji.

"DON'T SAY IT!" hissed Izuru, now pacing back and forth. "What are we going to do?"

"Hide it in Ohmaeda's room. Honestly, Izuru, were you even listening?"

"Shuuhei, do you realize what will happen when Captain Kuchiki finds this? Because he will…and do you really think you two drunken idiots can successfully break into second division headquarters? Do you even know what Captain Soi Fon can do to people? She is an ASSASIN!" Izuru cried, pacing even more frantically. Shuuhei frowned.

"Ooh…I'd forgotten about that…"

"Yes, well, large quantities of alcohol generally have that effect…"

"You should talk, Izuru…do I have to remind you about that time when-"

"I told you never to bring that up again!"

"What's that noise?" Renji interrupted suddenly, looking towards the door. The knob turned slowly and Gin stepped inside. He stopped in the doorway, smiling as always.

"…Well hi there, Shuuhei-kun, Renji-kun," he waved. "To what do I owe the pleasure?" Izuru's face shifted from its usual pale complexion to a delicate shade of green.

"C-captain, I can explain…"

"No need, Izuru, It's probably best if I don't know…wait a minute now, whadda we have here?" he asked, nodding towards the zanpakuto on his desk. "If I didn't know better, I'd think this was Captain Kuchiki's zanpakuto. But you three're not stupid enough to steal _that_, are ya?" Izuru, Renji, and Hisagi all stared nervously at the floor. "Ooh we are in trouble aren' we…" Gin grinned, his face gleaming mischievously. "Izuru, I know I said ta have fun while I was gone but I didn't think ya'd go this far…whatever shall we do?" His voice rang with amusement as he stared from one guilty vice-captain to the next.

"Captain Ichimaru, I take full responsibility for this, please, give me Captain Kuchiki's zanpakuto and you can forget this every happened," Shuuhei volunteered solemnly.

"Oh, but I can't do that, can I? Tell ya what. I'm in a good mood. I'll help y'all out with yer situation. Shuuhei-kun, why don'tcha go stall Kuchiki-san. Renji-kun, Izuru, come with me."

"Yes, Sir," they both replied as Shuuhei ran out the door. Gin chuckled.

"This is turnin' out to be an' exciting day, that's for sure. Wait 'til I tell Aizen about this," he snickered to himself, "that is, if Kuchiki-san doesn't kill me first."

Renji peered into the window of the sixth division headquarters. "All clear," he whispered, waving Izuru and Gin forward. "No wait! I think I hear them coming!" All three of them dashed around the corner.

"Shuuhei Hisagi, I sincerely hope you aren't serious. Now if you'll excuse me," said sixth division captain Byakuya Kuchiki, brushing past his pursuer. Shuuhei jogged to keep up with him.

"Please, Captain Kuchiki, if you'll just hear me out-"

"Yes, Hisagi. Enlighten me as to what could possibly compel you to suggest that a joint sixth and ninth division picnic has any merits whatsoever."

"Picnic?" mouthed Renji, struggling to contain his amusement. Izuru elbowed him impatiently.

"Renji, we need to get inside! Focus!"

"All right…let's just go around the back way."

"There's a back way!? This would have been useful infor-"

"Shut it, both of ya. Lets go," snapped Gin, dragging Izuru by the arm. They made their way through the back entrance and eventually crept into Byakuya's office. "Okay, Renji-kun, put this back where it belongs," Gin ordered, handing Renji the zanpakuto.

"You got it, Sir," he replied, placing Senbonzakura carefully into its usual resting place. Izuru breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank god that's over with. Captain Ichimaru, I don't think I can ever thank you enough," he said.

"Ah, y'might not wanna thank me just yet," Gin replied. Byakuya walked into his office, Glaring slowly from one nervous face to the next.

"Captain Ichimaru, Vice-Captain Kira," he shifted his eyes angrily to greet at his last visitor. "…Renji,"

"I'll just let you all talk then," said Renji, darting towards the door. Izuru reached out and grabbed Renji by the collar.

"Vice-Captain Kira, please refrain from strangling my subordinate. I think Renji will stay here." Izuru let go quickly.

"Well…all right."

"Captain Kuchiki. Izuru was jus' here to ask you a question," Gin said slowly. Izuru stared at his captain, his mouth gaping in silent protest.

"Is that so." Izuru fidgeted nervously.

"Y-yes, Sir, we uh, we wanted to ask you about the uh…the picnic," Izuru said, grimacing. He wished he hadn't said it, but Shuuhei's ridiculous picnic idea was the first thing that came to mind. And now he was committed. "V-Vice-Cpatain Hisagi told me about how the ninth and sixth divisions want to get together and the third would like to join as well."

"Please don't include me in this, Izuru," frowned Gin. Byakuya stared in disbelief.

"You can't be serious," he muttered. "Of all the idiotic things…"

"You know, all the multiples of three can be there…three, six, nine, and we can uh, we can ask Captain Kurotsuchi if the twelfth would like to join…"

"Please leave."

"Yes sir," Izuru said, walking briskly towards the door. Gin followed suit, but stopped in the doorway. He turned around.

"I'll see ya round, Kuchiki-san," he said, smiling and waving. "Bye now." And with that he left, shutting the door behind him. Renji walked slowly across the room.

"You know, Sir, I always thought the picnic was a stupid idea to begin with...and…um…"

"You may leave, Renji."

"Thank you, sir." Renji ran outside and caught up with Izuru and Gin. Shuuhei waited with them as well. "Captain Ichimaru, I'd like to apologize for troubling you. I can assure you it won't happen again. Is there anything I can do to thank you?"

"Well, I have a few ideas. Izuru, when did ya say that paperwork for the commander general was due?"

"Next week, Sir."

"I see…you three'd better get started then. Besides," he added with a grin, "If ya do it now, ya won't have to worry about it later."


End file.
